By Liwa Ali
I love mankind, he said, “but I find to my amazement that the more I love mankind as a whole, the less I love man in particular.”
— Fyodor Dostoevsky: The Brothers Karamazov
Lately, I have found myself constantly walking and observing the world around me, hoping to get some sense of why it all seems out of place, perpetually absurd. I look at people, who are unaware of the tragedy that surrounds them, of the determinism that dictates their lives, drowning on the surface of the ocean because they are too afraid to head to the depths. In the deep sea, where darkness encircles everything, that is where we bury the reality we are not able to contend with. A truth we are unable to believe. We are constantly aware of our unawareness. Perhaps we are not aware at all, and there is peace in this. For the one who is aware; sorrow and suffering are likely to accompany that knowledge.
I walk around, and while I want to be angry at the madness of it all, I cannot. I gather all my frustrations, my emotions, my thoughts, and I place them in a box, then placing this box in the center of my heart. Every night that I lie awake, I open it, letting it all enveloping me. Yes, there is pain in that, but I would rather feel the pain of the truth than an insincere fantasy. And this truth, for me, has a name and a structure. It leads me to believe that a Godless society shall know no joy, no health, no transcendence, nor prosperity. Since there is no compass for their conviction—a conviction that is always built from dry sand, breaking in the face of a challenging wind.
These realities you claim are not of your own creation, it is a symptom of decadent culture which continues to seep into the smallest corner of your subconscious. From Capitalism grows all that is rotten. That rots all that it touches. From Capitalism grows violent consumerism and empty competition—a race to consume what numbs you and to vie for materialistic gains, which ultimately consumes your psyche, fractures your collectiveness, and erodes your humanity. A structure of loneliness and despair, of alienation and faithlessness—not specifically the faith in the Creator, but in our humanistic attributes, our innate abilities to connect with one another.
And what torments me the most is how I am able to see the truth, yet I am sinking in a state of torpor. I am powerless, purposeless, ashamed of my inability to guide others to the light. To implore them to leave the mansions they created in the shadows. To convince them that this life is meant for servitude, not selfishness. And as they look back at me, I can hear in their thoughts: “impertinent,” “nefarious,” “mad.” Perhaps there is some truth in their words; in my Kindness, there is Rage; in my Faith, there is Doubt; in my Madness, there is a path to Salvation.
The world will tell me that I am mad, unable to comprehend their realities. So, perhaps, I am mad for I do not want to live where humanity is absent. Where if I am not carrying with me the treasure of Divine attributes, and if I am not in constant conversation with Him, then my madness will save me from this cannibalistic fantasy I see my society is submerged in. But the truth is difficult to confront because then we must realize we are not complete—and we may never be—not without Him, not without His guidance. For if I tell you the Truth and it is not your truth, then you shall refuse to believe it, and you will pick what is fictitious over what is honest.
The human quality is to strive for perfection in what is not meant to be perfect: love, society, knowledge, relationships, friendships, the self. In the eyes of the world, I find sadness and chains, for people have become a product of their external circumstances. The eyes will always expose you, even if you weld a mask to your face, even if you sew a smile onto it, even in your laughter. In them, I see myself. “You could be that person,” Baldwin says, and truly, it is so. If we were to step out of these shoes we cling to and for once, witness the fragility and torment of all that is around us then perhaps we can be saved. Have I not been so indifferent with these abnormal norms—had I not listened to the cries of my soul and to His words, I too would be unaware of my ability to breath under the depth of the sea. Some will allow themselves to sink into the depths of the sea, submitting, while others continue to grasp for air, not knowing they can breathe beneath the water.
Human beings, alienated from the world and themselves. In full rejection to what they see looking back at them in the mirror. A cultureless figure going through constant stages of identity crisis, oscillating between rage and numbness, between attempting to love themselves and finding nothing to love. But in order to truly love, you must discover yourself, with all the skeletons you buried away in the shadows, and accept yourself, accept your weakness, your suffering, your flaws, and face the true reality of who you are.
Humans beings, when unaware of the causes of their suffering, will begin to become hollow vessels, filling themselves with moments of surface level “happiness.” Unaware that capitalism with its war and poverty, destroys not only the material world around you, but the strings that hold you together, rendering you incomplete and weak. They say you must fight fire with fire, but what life can one build from the ashes and poison? So we say fight fire with water, so you shall nurture the world, and when the sun rises after a long night, when its light reflects into your eyes, you will not blink, you will let it in.
Free will was given to us to create meaning in a life, that consumerism has rendered meaningless. Yet, many choose to create a hollow and absurd meaning—a selfish one that serves only the individual. The truth, however, is that everything we do and say shakes the world, for better or for worse.
We choose to perform a role, rather than to act with a conviction higher than ourselves—one that is more beautiful and altruistic. I understand the culture that encompasses you, a culture of individualism embedded within you, screaming that you matter more than those around you. And so, in order to fit in, you perform an act. You practice the words of humanity while true compassion lies dormant inside, wondering when it will finally see the light of day. I do not hate you, I cannot afford such a feeling at the cost of myself and my duty. The ignorant in me is envious and the conscious in me is empathetic to your circumstances. And all of me know there will come a day when reality will knock on your door and you are not prepared since all that prepares you still in the shadows of your mind. In my Kindness, I see Rage fading.
I spent part of my life crossing the start line and returning to it. A part sitting at the beginning as I see people rushing ahead to find their paths, as I contemplate the meaning of life and God. A part—this tedious part, where I walk into the fog with bricks in my hands creating a new one, with faith and doubt. Why are we afraid to start again? To retrace our steps when we have gone astray? Do you not know that when Allah ﷻ takes something from us, He has set for us something better? Why are we reluctant to converse with our pain and tragedies as if they have nothing to teach us? And in this realization I found that in order to reach the skies, my roots must travel down to the fires of hell. In my Faith, there, I see Doubt fading.
Then, when the noise in my head becomes too loud—from my own thoughts and those of others—I enter Sujood (prostrate), for I know nothing and He knows everything. In my constant dhukr (remembrance) of Him, two words begin to ring constant, always been constant through time and space; Kun Fayakun (Be, and it is). And I am saved, not from the world which will always be a constant state of chaos and absurdity, but from the war that stirs within my soul; casting away at once the whispers of self doubt. “By the morning brightness, and by the night when it covers with darkness” Allah ﷻ says in Surah Al Dhuha, “Your Lord has not taken leave of you.” I begin to recite, in deference, and it is as if a force has surrounded me, I continue to walk towards Him, for I know He will run towards me. Within these few words, there is a river of possibilities, for I am guided, I am written, I was breathed onto, to be here. A purpose.
In my Madness, I created a path to my Salvation. I may find myself walking against the current more than I would like to. The current of today’s norms and of the “order” of things. I may walk and a cloud shall always be hanging over me, but I learned to enjoy the rain, and to thank Him for a nourishing event. I may always feel alienated from the world around me, but I would rather remain “mad” and indifferent of the truth of this world, than to conform to its absurdity. My intelligence may be the cause of my loneliness, but I am my best company.
“For Indeed, with hardship, there will be ease.” Allah ﷻ says in Surah Al Sharh, and in my hardship, my torment, my suffering, I draw nearer to Him, knowing He is at an arms length, knowing, He thinks of me, as I think of Him. I shall walk towards the world with His mercy in mind, with His love in my heart, and there, His light may follow.
Kun Faya Kun.
Art by: Safia Latif
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